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I.M.
Divorcedfromreality
404 Clue-Not-Found Way
Tastycake Meadows, CE 66666
US
br00d1ng_l0n3r@hotmail.com |
Primary
Phone:1-800-888-3999 x 7 |
| Runs With Scissors |
Resume #66666666 |
|
| OBJECTIVE |
Hands-off,
loner positions where I can surf the 'Net endlessly
without having to deal with unwanted intrusions, like
annoying customers, nosy bosses, and other humans. Boy
howdy, I sure hope you don't want any of that people
skills crap. Ideal situations would be composed of
unlimited and unsupervised access to T3's and porno sites,
with opportunities for me to get in touch with my
nurturing side. |
| TARGET
JOB |
Desired
Job Type: |
Employee,
Intern, Temporary/Contract/Project |
|
Desired
Status: |
Full-Time,
Part-Time |
|
Site
Location: |
No
Preference |
|
Description
of my perfect job:
One where I wouldn't have to work very hard and would get
paids lots of money. Also, I want cute co-workers who wear
tight clothes. Yeah, with, like no morals and stuff like
that. |
|
Career
Level: |
Mid
Career (2+ years of experience) |
|
Date
of Availability: |
Immediately |
| TARGET
COMPANY |
Company
Size: |
No
Preference |
|
Description
of my ideal company:
Like, a company that does stuff with like, Internet stuff,
cause, that's like cool and all. |
| TARGET
LOCATIONS |
Relocate: |
Yes |
| WORK
STATUS |
US |
I am
authorized to work in this country for any unsuspecting
employer. |
| EXPERIENCE |
2/2002
- Present |
A
Telecom Company So Large It's Obscene |
Windows,
CE |
|
Fix
stuff I shouldn't have messed with in the first place
Get irked on a frequent basis
Goof off with 95% success rate
Indulge my burgeoning interest in pornographic sites
Look important
Mess around with things that aren't broken
Screw around with co-workers (only attractive ones)
Take really long lunches
Tell off anyone that irks me
Wander halls aimlessly |
|
2/2001
- 2/2002 |
A
Telecom Company with an Attitude Problem |
Windows,
CE |
|
Bring
up co-workers' browser caches to find "good"
sites
Dig through supervisor's desk for incriminating evidence
Fantasize about how colleagues would look naked during
boring staff meetings
Fart around
Make rude bodily noises in such a manner that they can be
passed off as others'
P*** off lower management
P*** off middle management
P*** off upper management
Pretend to work while boss is looking
Send out resumes |
|
2/2000
- 2/2001 |
The
Telecom Company with Bigcompanyitis |
Windows,
CE |
|
Constant
rudeness
Disheveled appearance
Exceptional performance as a pain in someone's prostate
Ignoring project plans, task lists, and customer
commitments
Long bathroom breaks in lieu of actual work
More goofing off
Perpetual tardiness
Sending obscene e-mail from colleague's PC when they're in
meetings and forget to lock their screensaver
Spontaneous performance art in hallways when supposed to
be working
Whining about trivial matters |
|
2/1999
- 2/2000 |
Telecom
Company with the Morals of a Snake |
Windows,
CE |
|
Eating
doughnuts while surfing the Internet
Giggling at nothing
Making people uneasy
More farting around
Not really doing jack s***
Snickering at co-workers when they hose something up
Spreading nasty rumors, such as takeovers, who's the
office slut, or venereal disease problems among the
employees
Taking up space
Useless activity
Waste of nutrients and oxygen |
| EDUCATION |
6/1998 |
University
of Rocky Flats |
US-CE-Windows |
|
Major
in Nuclear Contamination, with a Minor in Avoiding EPA
Regulations |
|
6/1996 |
Altered
State |
US-CE-Windows |
|
Underwater
Basketweaving Studies |
| AFFILIATIONS |
2/1994
- Present |
National
Merit Honor Society |
Letter
of Condemnation |
| SKILLS |
Skill
Name |
Skill
Level |
Last
Used |
Experience |
|
Back
Door |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
Children
of the Korn Shell |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
Cook
the Books Accounting |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
Crap! |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
D-- |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
HPukes
Unix |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
IBM
Mainframe Paperweights |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
ISDN
(It Still Does Nothing) |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
Lotus
Disorganizer |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
Meeting
Faker |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
MicroShaft
Winblows 95/98 |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
MS
Bulls***er |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
MS
Doesn't Work |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
MS
Insecure Server |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
MS
Internet Exploder |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
MS
Orifice 97 |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
MS
Stupid Meddling Software (SMS) |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
Netscrape |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
PeopleSloth |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
Sea
Shell |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
|
WordImperfect |
Expert |
Currently
used |
10
years |
| REFERENCES |
Stephen
Ballmer |
Microsoft,
Inc. |
El
Presidente |
|
Phone
Number: |
1-800-LINUX-SUX |
|
Linus
Torvalds |
Transmeta,
Inc. |
Supreme
Dictator for Life |
|
Phone
Number: |
1-800-MS-BLOWS |
|
Scott
McNealy |
Sun
Microsystems, Inc. |
Defender
of the Free World |
|
Phone
Number: |
1-888-UNIX-WIZ |
|
Lawrence
Ellison |
Oracle
Systems, Inc. |
Lord
of Darkness |
|
Phone
Number: |
1-800-666-DBMS |
|
Reference
Type: |
Professional |
|
|
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