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  I.M. Divorcedfromreality
404 Clue-Not-Found Way
Tastycake Meadows, CE 66666
Primary Phone:1-800-888-3999 x 7

Runs With Scissors Resume #66666666

OBJECTIVE Hands-off, loner positions where I can surf the 'Net endlessly without having to deal with unwanted intrusions, like annoying customers, nosy bosses, and other humans. Boy howdy, I sure hope you don't want any of that people skills crap. Ideal situations would be composed of unlimited and unsupervised access to T3's and porno sites, with opportunities for me to get in touch with my nurturing side.

TARGET JOB Desired Job Type: Employee, Intern, Temporary/Contract/Project
Desired Status: Full-Time, Part-Time
Site Location: No Preference
Description of my perfect job:
One where I wouldn't have to work very hard and would get paids lots of money. Also, I want cute co-workers who wear tight clothes. Yeah, with, like no morals and stuff like that.
Career Level: Mid Career (2+ years of experience)
Date of Availability: Immediately

TARGET COMPANY Company Size: No Preference
Category: Other
Description of my ideal company:
Like, a company that does stuff with like, Internet stuff, cause, that's like cool and all.


WORK STATUS US I am authorized to work in this country for any unsuspecting employer.

EXPERIENCE 2/2002 - Present A Telecom Company So Large It's Obscene Windows, CE
Lead Peon
Fix stuff I shouldn't have messed with in the first place
Get irked on a frequent basis
Goof off with 95% success rate
Indulge my burgeoning interest in pornographic sites
Look important
Mess around with things that aren't broken
Screw around with co-workers (only attractive ones)
Take really long lunches
Tell off anyone that irks me
Wander halls aimlessly

2/2001 - 2/2002 A Telecom Company with an Attitude Problem Windows, CE
Bring up co-workers' browser caches to find "good" sites
Dig through supervisor's desk for incriminating evidence
Fantasize about how colleagues would look naked during boring staff meetings
Fart around
Make rude bodily noises in such a manner that they can be passed off as others'
P*** off lower management
P*** off middle management
P*** off upper management
Pretend to work while boss is looking
Send out resumes

2/2000 - 2/2001 The Telecom Company with Bigcompanyitis Windows, CE
Assistant Peon
Constant rudeness
Disheveled appearance
Exceptional performance as a pain in someone's prostate
Ignoring project plans, task lists, and customer commitments
Long bathroom breaks in lieu of actual work
More goofing off
Perpetual tardiness
Sending obscene e-mail from colleague's PC when they're in meetings and forget to lock their screensaver
Spontaneous performance art in hallways when supposed to be working
Whining about trivial matters

2/1999 - 2/2000 Telecom Company with the Morals of a Snake Windows, CE
Peon Trainee
Eating doughnuts while surfing the Internet
Giggling at nothing
Making people uneasy
More farting around
Not really doing jack s***
Snickering at co-workers when they hose something up
Spreading nasty rumors, such as takeovers, who's the office slut, or venereal disease problems among the employees
Taking up space
Useless activity
Waste of nutrients and oxygen

EDUCATION 6/1998 University of Rocky Flats US-CE-Windows
Bachelor's Degree
Major in Nuclear Contamination, with a Minor in Avoiding EPA Regulations

6/1996 Altered State US-CE-Windows
Associate Degree
Underwater Basketweaving Studies

AFFILIATIONS 2/1994 - Present National Merit Honor Society Letter of Condemnation

SKILLS Skill Name Skill Level Last Used Experience
Back Door Expert Currently used 10 years
Children of the Korn Shell Expert Currently used 10 years
Cook the Books Accounting Expert Currently used 10 years
Crap! Expert Currently used 10 years
D-- Expert Currently used 10 years
HPukes Unix Expert Currently used 10 years
IBM Mainframe Paperweights Expert Currently used 10 years
ISDN (It Still Does Nothing) Expert Currently used 10 years
Lotus Disorganizer Expert Currently used 10 years
Meeting Faker Expert Currently used 10 years
MicroShaft Winblows 95/98 Expert Currently used 10 years
MS Bulls***er Expert Currently used 10 years
MS Doesn't Work Expert Currently used 10 years
MS Insecure Server Expert Currently used 10 years
MS Internet Exploder Expert Currently used 10 years
MS Orifice 97 Expert Currently used 10 years
MS Stupid Meddling Software (SMS) Expert Currently used 10 years
Netscrape Expert Currently used 10 years
PeopleSloth Expert Currently used 10 years
Sea Shell Expert Currently used 10 years
WordImperfect Expert Currently used 10 years

REFERENCES Stephen Ballmer Microsoft, Inc. El Presidente
Phone Number: 1-800-LINUX-SUX
Email Address: 2ndbanana@microsoft.com
Reference Type: Personal

Linus Torvalds Transmeta, Inc. Supreme Dictator for Life
Phone Number: 1-800-MS-BLOWS
Email Address: soldout@runnerup.org
Reference Type: Personal

Scott McNealy Sun Microsystems, Inc. Defender of the Free World
Phone Number: 1-888-UNIX-WIZ
Email Address: parts.is.parts@sun.com
Reference Type: Personal

Lawrence Ellison Oracle Systems, Inc. Lord of Darkness
Phone Number: 1-800-666-DBMS
Email Address: buy.your.soul@ebay.com
Reference Type: Professional

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