"From: "Joe Lavin" <email@example.com>
To: "Cool People" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Joe Lavin's Humor Column
Date: Thursday, August 21, 1997 9:09
by Joe Lavin
"Wanted: Liberal Arts grad with poor work ethic. Must be willing to write letters to friends at work. Hours 2-5 PM. Salary 100K+ Must be willing to use an expense account. Knowledge of using company phones to make personal long distance calls a +"
Sadly, no one is advertising for this job in the classifieds. Trust me. I've looked. Furthermore, the employment section skips from Human Resources straight to Import/Export, skipping entirely the all important category of Humorist.
It's horrible. I qualify for nothing. Either there are secretarial jobs for which I am officially "overqualified" or jobs that required 15 years of experience and a Ph.D. in some obscure field. I can't win, so usually I just look at the strange ads instead, such as:
"Nuclear Power Plant Trainees: Must be High School grad with one year of algebra."
Well, there's something that makes you feel safe. We're really getting the best people to run those nuclear power plants, aren't we?
"Oh, my God, there's a meltdown. What do we do? Wait, I know. Let's figure out what x is if 3x+12=48. That should save us."
Editorial Layout for Nat'l newsstand 4C magazine publisher. Strong, clean design & typographic skills. Must be comfortable w/ sex & nudity. Computer literacy, Quark Xpress 3.1 & Freehand 3.1 essential.
Now, I don't know about you, but for me there was one part of that ad which jumped right off the page. I don't think I really want to know about the job requirements.
I wonder how many letters they got from people which read, "While I am not entirely familiar with the Quark Express 3.1 and the Freehand 3.1 programs, I believe this is more than offset by my extreme comfort with sex and nudity."
In the same section, a "hot men's magazine" was asking for employees. I met someone who called the number, and it turned out to be Penthouse Forum.
"You do realize that this is an adult magazine?"
"And you still want to work for us?"
"Are you sure?"
Apparently, his interview went better than most. He was offered the job, but instead he decided to take a job with a company that publishes children's books. I guess Penthouse Forum's loss is the gain of our nation's children.
Meanwhile, your tax money is definitely at work:
Federally funded study seeks monogamous couples to use 12 condoms at home. Couples must be 18 to 45 years old Using method of birth control other than condoms. Qualified couples will receive up to $160."
I try to concentrate on the jobs, but somehow my eyes keep wandering to the Personal Messages section which is even more interesting.
"Blond in red Honda on St. Mon Bl, we didn't go to USC together, you asked for my card, the light changed. Call 818-761-0004. I owe you dinner."
And one week later:
"Blond in red Honda. you called - didn't leave # call 818-761-0004"
Wow, they are having a major communication problem. I can't wait to see the next installment. I really hope they finally get together, and maybe if we're lucky, they'll continue to communicate this way. It could be like a soap opera.
"Blond in red Honda. Hey, I thought we had something, but what's the deal with the guy in the black Porsche? Don't think I didn't see you tailgating him? I feel betrayed. Call 818-761-0004."
Finally, let's go back to the employment section for my favorite ad of all time. This was in the New York Times three years ago.
Trainee/apprentice to make cheese on a small goat farm in the Catskills
3 hours from NYC.
Room/board and expense stipend
Yep. At last a job where I can use my college education. Maybe it's just me, but it does seem a bit odd that to work in a nuclear power plant, you need only to know algebra, but to make goat cheese, damn it, you need a college degree.
X by the way is 12.
Copyright 1997 by Joe Lavin
Joe Lavin's Humor Column is published Tuesdays and Fridays at: http://joelavin.com
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<Note from JobFairy.com: What's not to love? He's a redhead like most of us, a Gen X'er (what a great demographic - but maybe some of us are just a wee bit biased), and he has the same deep-seated reverence for work that characterizes the Job Fairy mentality. Maybe we should make him an honorary Job Fairy.>