10.17.2004

What The Job Ad Says; What It Means

• Advancement opportunity
• • Crappy job
     
• Entry Level
• • Really a Crappy job
     
• No experience necessary
• • The mother of all Crappy jobs
     
• Administrative assistant
• • Crappy job with a title
     
• Ground floor opportunity
• • Crappy job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
     
• Progressive company
• • Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
     
• Team player
• • Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities
     
• Upbeat personalities
• • Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
     
• Word processing skills essential
• • There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
     
• Public Relations
• • Receptionist
     
• Professional appearance important
• • $20K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe
     
• Pleasant telephone manner
• • Be the voice of 1-900-SUCK
     
• Earn up to $300 per hour
• • Be 1-900-SUCK
     
• Salary range $24K to $32K
• • The salary is $24K
     
• Jeans job!
• • Minimum wage temporary job in concentration camp office
     
• Will train
• • Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem
     
• BA required, MA preferred
• • Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary
     
• Civil service
• • This job was filled from the inside six months ago
     
• Women/minorities encouraged
• • White males need not waste a stamp
     
• Outstanding benefits package
• • Health insurance
     
• Tons of variety
• • We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job
     
• Top notch communication skills
• • Telemarketing
     
• Beautiful offices in attractive locale
• • Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet
     
• Secretary
• • Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker
     
• Executive secretary
• • The most powerful position in any company
     
• Dedicated
• • You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement
     
• Salary commensurate
• • We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like
     
• Salary negotiable
• • We'll take the lowest bidder
     
• Competitive salary
• • We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job - period!
     
• Competitive starting salary
• • Ten cents above minimum wage
     
• Pleasant atmosphere
• • A staff of pod people
     
• Professional atmosphere
• • Zombie pod people
     
• Fun, creative atmosphere
• • Pod people from hell
     
• Dynamic atmosphere
• • Zombie pod people from hell
     
• Gal Friday
• • Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it
     
• Self starter
• • Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means   

More Resumes You Thought You'd Never See

*In the interest of fairness, if you've got a fake resume on Kerry or Nader, forward 'em to us and we'll run 'em too. No one is immune here at JobFairy.com!

George W. Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

• Law Enforcement: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been lost and is not available.
• Military: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
• College: I enrolled in Yale University in Connecticut in 1964 and graduated in 1968 with a low C average. I was a cheerleader. My gramps, Papa Bush, was Senator from Connecticut from 1952 - 1963. While pappy was a Congressman from Texas from 1967 - 1970.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

• I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.
• I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
• With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

• I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
• During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
• I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
• I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
• With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

• I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• I invaded and occupied two countries as a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
• I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
• I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
• I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
• I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
• In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
• I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire" Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
• I set the record for the most campaign fundraising trips by a U.S. President.
• I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
• My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.
• My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
• I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.
• More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
• I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
• I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
• I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any president in U.S. history.
• I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
• I have broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
• I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
• I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
• I am the first President in history to refuse the United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
• I set the record for the fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
• I set the all-time record for the most days on vacation in any one year period.
• After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
• I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
• I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person the history of mankind.
• I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
• I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families - in wartime.
• In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
• I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
• I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
• I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
• All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

References available upon request.