10.10.2004

Human Resources & The 7 Dwarfs

In every Human Resources report, there is a reason for termination. There are so many possibilities that we have narrowed the list down to Snow White and the Seven dwarfs. Here they are:

• Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent telling jokes at the water cooler.
• Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.
• Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.
• Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with early mornings.
• Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.
• Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the employee to complete work in a timely fashion.
• Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often let workplace disagreements simmer.
• Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with organizational policies.
• Snow White: Misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under some kind of trance.
• Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day. Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

Moral Dilemma

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

• You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
• Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
• However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.  I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

<Note from JobFairy.com: This is one of the many asinine things you could be asked in a job interview, such as why manhole covers are round (because they're the only shape that won't fall through the hole, any others can be turned at an angle and be made to fit back through their opening), how many barbers there are in the United States, or what the tail number of the Starship Enterprise is (NCC-1701). As I hear of them, I'll put them up on the site. I fail to see how this makes you the best candidate, but knowing the answer in advance helps you kiss their stupid butt from the first minute. The real question is, do you want to work for people like this?>

I Will Be Late to Work This Morning Because...

• When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
• If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
• My stigmata's acting up.
• I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
• The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
• I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.