6.6.2004

If Only I Could Say What I'm Really Thinking...

Have you ever been in an interview, a really bad one, and you wanted to just get up, face your tormentors, and tell them exactly what was on your mind? Ever walked into a place and figured out in mere seconds just why there were so many job openings? Ever talked with a hiring manager over the phone, hung up, and then breathed a huge sigh of relief because you knew you'd never have to spend another minute with that son of a b****? This has happened to all of the Fairies - and recently too. So in the spirit of MAD Magazine's snappy answers to stupid questions feature, we offer our own Fairy-style answers to common interview questions. If only you could use these in actual interviews... Note from the Black and Flannel Fairies: This is strictly humor; do not actually use or you'll never be employed again in your entire life. Use of these responses may cause you to need the help of actual legal counsel. Note from the Shocking Pink Fairy: Wow, I'm scaring the other Fairies with these snappy comebacks; I must be doing it right.

Are you willing to go where the company sends you?
Well, considering your company, it sounds like the most frequent place your staff gets sent is to the unemployment office.

Can you work under pressure?
Briefly, and then I'm going to dump this crappy job for one that sucks a lot less and pays more.

Describe a difficult problem and how you dealt with it.
Usually I'm the one that's considered the difficult problem, and I'm just fine with that. I don't care if you can deal with it or not.

Describe a situation that got out of hand in your last job and how you handled it.
Well, they told me I was fired, and I was screaming and throwing furniture around, so I grabbed my company laptop and put it under my shirt as they dragged me out of the building. I still have it, so I'd say the whole incident came off pretty well.

Describe a situation where your work or an idea was criticized.
That would have been right before I was fired. I don't handle stuff like that very well, so maybe your sorry, know nothing, has no clue whatsoever a** shouldn't be telling me what to do, know what I'm saying?

Describe how your job relates to the overall goals of your department or company?
I could give a crap how my job relates to the goals of the department or company. Why don't you tell me how the CEO's affair with the Director of Marketing relates to the goals of his department and company? All I freaking want to do is get a paycheck that clears; get the h*** outta my face.

Describe your best friend.
Like you give a crap who my friends are. What kind of pansy-a** question is that?

Do you have any questions?
Yeah - why the h*** am I here? What the h*** did I do in a previous life to deserve this?

Have you done the best work you are capable of doing?
Maybe I have, but you'll never see it. A loser like you doesn't stand a chance with me.

Have you ever been fired?
Yeah, baby, I've been fired from much better places than this!

How did you get the day off work today?
Hey, stupid, they don't even know I'm gone. Pretty funny, huh?

How long would you stay with this company?
As long as it suited me and not a second longer. Or as long as my paychecks kept clearing. Or maybe as long as I wasn't fired and couldn't get a better job elsewhere.

Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten.
I'm a ten, baby... you'd never have a chance with someone like me. Lucky for you that you get to see someone like me in the interview - it's not as if you would under any other conditions...

Tell me about a time when you disagreed with your boss about how to solve a problem. What was the end result?
Uh, under the advice of my attorney, I'm not allowed to comment on that pending the hearing.

Tell me about something you are not proud of?
Kissing your lame a** in order to get this sucky job.

Tell me about the worst boss you ever had.
Well, you can look in the mirror in a month and then you can see for yourself.

Tell me about your greatest error in judgment.
Maybe having that seventh Jell-O shot last night. Or having responded to your job ad. Or maybe having agreed to even show up to this interview.

Tell me about yourself.
I like long walks in the park, sunsets on the beach, and cleaning my vast assortment of firearms.

What are some of the things that your supervisor did that you disliked?
I hated the way he breathed, moved, spoke, and occupied any points in the space-time continuum.

What are the reasons for your success in this profession?
I think it's my ability to blackmail peers and supervisors in order to get what I want.

What are you looking for in your next job?
A paycheck that clears. Also, a supervisor that's absent frequently.

What are your biggest accomplishments?
Smiling and nodding politely while you blather on about how wonderful you are. Feigning interest while you wax eloquent about your importance to the company. For this, I should get the Academy Award.

What are your qualifications?
Well, if you'd written the job description to accurately match what the needs of the job are, you'd actually be interested in my qualifications. Considering the atmosphere in this office, it would help if I were skilled with ninja throwing stars and wielding a stiletto.

What aspects of your job do you consider most crucial?
The ability to kiss your butt so I can do whatever I want and still get paid.

What did you like/dislike about your old job?
What I liked about the last job was the free soda and the way my paychecks cleared. I also loved hearing that massively hot Java developer work out in the exercise room just down the hall from my office. Hey, it was good for me, baby! What I didn't like was the way my boss rode my a**, the way my peers backstabbed me, and those snakes in HR kept coming up with one stupid thing after another. I still can't believe they had a problem with me surfing all those porn sites. It's not like there was anything else to do at work.

What interests you most about this job?
Nothing, really, but it beats unemployment!

What is your dream job?
You pay me and I don't ever have to show up.

What is your energy level?
It goes up about a 1000% after I leave the office on Friday!

What is your greatest strength and outstanding qualities?
Putting up with crap so I can pay my bills and not be homeless. I'd say my most outstanding quality is to smile and not choke your sorry a** while I'm putting up with your pointless crap.

What is your greatest weakness?
Total hotties and boxes of Godiva chocolate.

What kind of experience do you have for the job?
Not enough, but you're too cheap to offer enough money to get someone who's actually qualified for the position.

What problems do you have getting along with others?
Tons. But that's something you sure won't find out until after I'm on the job for a while.

What was the most difficult personnel problem you faced in your last job, and how did you overcome it?
I had this snotty coworker who was always starting crap with me and telling the boss lies. So after his tires were slashed a couple of times and his gas tank sugared, he kind of got the message and now he doesn't work there anymore.

What would you like to be doing 5 years from now?
Sitting on the beach in Cabo San Lucas after winning the lottery, drinking margaritas, and generally not giving a crap about life.

What would your references say?
What I tell them to - they're all my best friends, stupid. Like I'd tell you to talk to anyone who'd tell you the truth?

Why do you want to leave your current job?
Well, it's that or be fired.

Why do you want to work here?
Why would anybody want to work here? It looks like this place totally sucks.