4.25.2004
The After Reorganization Employee Handbook
Here is an excerpt of the new HR employee manual I came across.
Updated Employee Handbook:
Effective Immediately Dress Code: It is advised that you come to work
dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada shoes and
carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore
you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you
need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Personal Days:
Each employee will 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and
Sunday.
Vacation Days:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4, & Dec. 25
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
Absence Due To Your Own Death:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees
whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve
this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture
will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a
diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
Your caring HR Team
Woops.
Another day, another laptop meltdown. Gotta rebuild it completely and
then we can resume publishing. Sorry. Last week's article should be
available mid week or so in the Weblog section. Your patience is appreciated
while we deal with these technical glitches. If you're waiting for a resume
rewrite/work on your search, we'll be back to it in a couple days. Also, the
help@jobfairy.org email address is
dead now, so don't use it anymore - it'll bounce. Use the help at jobfairy
dot com address. Thanks!
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