1.4.2004

A Holiday Assortment

We took a week off for the holidays... we'll post more on reworking your resume soon. All the best from the staff of jobfairy.com. Meanwhile, take this salary survey - it's pretty funny. Everyone seems to be thrilled with their current compensation!   ;>

Employee Evaluation

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

THE PLAN...

In the beginning was the Plan And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form And the Plan was completely without substance And darkness fell upon the face of the Workers

And they spake amongst themselves, saying, "It is a crock of garbage, and it stinketh!"
And the Workers went to their Supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof!"

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers And sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that None may abide by it!"

And the Managers went unto the Directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength!"
And the Directors spake amongst themselves, saying one unto the other, "It containeth that which aideth the growth of plants, and it is very strong!"

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote growth and the efficiency of this company, and in these areas in particular..."

And the President looked upon the Plan, And saw that it was good, And the Plan became Policy.

AND THIS IS HOW S#%T HAPPENS!

Not-Quite-Famous Interview Lines

• Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
• Jesse James: I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
• Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of my self as a people person.
• Joseph Guillotine: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
• Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
• Lucrezia Borgia: My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.
• Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
• Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
• MacBeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
• Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn't business casual?
• Elvis: My last boss and I... say, are you going to eat those fries?

From computerworld.com's Shark Tank...

"Lookin' Good

Pilot fish is fed up with executives who say they need the latest technology, so he comes up with a new system. "Every six months, we have execs turn in their laptops for a technology refresh," he says. "Their laptop cases and keyboards are cleaned and fitted with new, upgraded OEM stickers. They love their refreshed laptops, and never catch on that all they get are new stickers. And of course this frees up considerable budget for users who actually do need the power but who are too far down the food chain to actually get it.""

Many Jobless Have Lost Unemployment Benefits

To address the most recent economic downturn, Congress approved extended unemployment benefits in March 2002 and again last January.  But Congress did not extend the program again before it recessed for the year, meaning that no additional unemployed workers will be eligible for the extended federal aid.  Out-of-work people receiving benefits from the federal program will be able to finish the full 13-week extension, but will not be eligible for further benefits.

Congress allowed the program to lapse December 2002 as well, but quickly extended it when lawmakers returned in early January, leaving few people with an interruption in benefits.  But this year, Congress is not scheduled to return until January 20, and people fighting for the extension fear that lawmakers will not act unless President Bush prods them.

Senator Clinton Pushes For Unemployment Extension

Senator Clinton pointed out that this is the second holiday season in a row in which President Bush and the Republicans in Congress have failed to come to the aid of hardworking Americans who are down on their luck. Although there have been some employment gains in the last few months, the unemployment rate is actually higher than it was when Congress established the Temporary Extended Unemployment Insurance Program back in March of 2002.

"The real tragedy of this downturn has been the long-term unemployed - those who have been out of work for 6 months or more.  There are more long-term unemployed workers than there have been in 20 years," Senator Clinton said.  The Senator has called on her colleagues to pass legislation to extend benefits for 26 weeks and has joined with Senator Gordon Smith to push for a more modest proposal.