9.28.2003

You Just Wanna Smack Some Sense Into These People!

"Before leaping out of the box to launch an assault on the passive candidates, it is important that an effective job board strategy first be employed. However, while job boards are the best vehicle for reaching "job seekers", they are not going to help reach those ideal qualified people who are the perfect candidates, but are gainfully and happily employed. Loyal, hardworking, effective people often have great job security and don't have the time or the desire to browse job boards."
<Note from JobFairy.com: Why are these job seekers so attractive? They cost the most to recruit, they're the hardest to find, and your chances of persuading them to jump ship are the smallest of all. How about Jane Q. Motivated, who's been looking for a job for 5 months? So what if she got laid off from a major telecom company's IT department? About 10,000 other people did too from that company; her skills are perfectly fine. Hire her already. The rules have changed in Corporate America and I'm really tired of being penalized for mistakes that CEOs make.>

"Attracting these types of people is where it takes the same creativity and targeted profiling that have been used by corporate giants in America for years in marketing their products or services to potential customers. One of the best of these techniques, is through the construction of profiles based on the most successful individuals within your organization. This is far from a new concept, but exactly what type of profile you are building is very important."
<Note from JobFairy.com: The most weaselly, mistake-prone bastards around? The best at politics? You know, it's interesting how different companies do this. I went to a recruiting party recently at a major corporation that I'm not going to name. They haven't always had the best reputation around. They still really haven't cleaned up their act; they're just better at PR now. And basically, they identified likely looking candidates, then personally invited each of them over to schmooze. It reminded me of college Rush season... as if I were interviewing to join a sorority. I caught on quickly that social fit was important. Of course, that's mentioned nowhere on their corporate website. But the recruiter mentioned in passing that if I were interested in joining the company, I should go to their corporate "events" and free trainings. At that point, it WAS just like joining a fraternity. You hang around enough, eventually they take you on... or you get bored and go away. This ensures you get the "right" kind of person. I have a feeling that submitting a resume to their website is pointless. And if I were selected for a position, it would be a mere formality afterwards. It was the most intriguing recruiting session I have ever attended.>

"For the targeted reach that the Internet can provide, it is important that you talk extensively to your "A players" as to how they use the Internet."
<Note from JobFairy.com: Huh? It's a keyword search. If you're looking for an Oracle DBA, they're gonna have the words "Oracle" and "DBA" in their resume. If they don't, then are they going to make a very good keeper of your database? I don't think so. This guy is talking in this article as if these are all new concepts. They're not. Or shouldn't be. Turns out most recruiters (on the corporate side) are terrible at matching technical folks to a position. To start with, the position ads are badly written by managers who may not understand the technical demands of the job. Then the recruiters just match keywords. They may not know that certain technologies are similar enough to be interchangeable. Or that others are worlds apart. Since they're not techies - they don't know. This is dangerous to the job seeker. And they're slow about their business. It shouldn't take 45 days (the average) from position ad to placement in a position. There are a lot of unemployed people out there... more than enough available talent to staff any project Corporate America could come up with.>

"Are they all utilizing on-line banking services? Do they all regularly visit Weather.com? Are they playing games on-line? Do they check their stocks on a particular site? Do they tune in daily to Dilbert.com for the cartoon of the day? You might be surprised."
<Note from JobFairy.com: I AM surprised... these are totally irrelevant criteria. If you want a job, you go to the job boards. If you want to find job seekers, you go to the job boards. Similar to the concept of ebay.com, it's a centralized marketplace for buyers and sellers of talent. How is this, in 2003, any kind of news? Or not the logical first step in a recruiter's journey to find candidates? Why do corporations persist in setting up difficult to use and infrequently visited jobsites on their corporate Internet site? Lockheed Martin's is the worst example; Raytheon's is a close second. I dare anyone to get into those companies by submitting a resume and cover letter in response to a position ad. Just doesn't happen. Lockheed doesn't even let you submit a resume for each position - it only lets you submit once a year (!) and then says it will call you if you're ever selected out of its database if there's a fit. Recruiters should be trained to go where all the resumes are. Sheesh.>

"By determining where and when your top performers are spending their "on-line" time, along with how often they frequent these destinations, you can start crafting your strategy for reaching out to individuals who share this profile. The Internet is not a fad. It is here and it is here to stay."
<Note from JobFairy.com: The Internet is not a fad? OMG! Newsflash! Stop the presses! Sarcasm aside, does this mean that recruiters were resistant to the new technology? Hoped it would go away? Enjoyed rifling through stacks of printed resumes, hour after unproductive hour? Submitted their friends to various positions, simply because there was no other way to doublecheck who was getting through and who wasn't? Why would you put a company ad on dilbert.com? If your company has a crappy reputation, people are going to find out about it no matter how much you dump into advertising (are you listening, MCI WorldCom?) or hand out slick brochures about how wonderful your company is (EchoStar). Easiest way to check is to do a search on f****dcompany.com for the company's name. You don't have to be a subscriber, or even really see the results. You just look for how many times the company's name comes up in the searches. Good or average ones don't come up at all. No one who's ever worked there hated it enough to trash it online. Bad ones come up a LOT. MCI gets 649 mentions. EchoStar gets 32 (they're more local to Colorado). Nelnet gets none. Circadence gets 107. That's a lot for a company that's only in Boulder. I wouldn't care what kind of pay they were offering. I'd know going in that I was disposable... and that's how they'd be treating me.>

"The challenge is in how you harness the full capabilities of the web to get your message in front of your target audience, in this case, potential employment candidates. While print is still a viable marketing outlet in some cases, it is quickly becoming to advertising what the Encyclopedia has become to research."
<Note from JobFairy.com: I have not looked at a print ad since 1996. Print says something very unpleasant about the company using that method to reach candidates. Like outmoded technology, low pay, and the market agility of a dinosaur. Like them, your potential will become extinct.>

"As the markets rebound and hiring growth returns to normal levels, it will become increasingly important to have a strategy in place to reach out to both active "job seekers" and passive ideal candidates."
<Note from JobFairy.com: Why the hell are passive candidates so ideal? They're the ones without any balls, who are content to stagnate with old technologies, who don't rock the boat, who are politically adept enough to preserve their positions at the expense of others, who aren't savvy enough to demand full market price for their skills... Oh, I get it now.>

"The good news is that thanks to the reach made possible by the Internet, you can now get your job advertisement recruitment message in front of qualified potential candidates faster and easier than ever before. - Mark Anderson"
<Note from JobFairy.com: Uh, if people are just figuring that out NOW, I feel really sorry for them. And the guy writing this article. A career in IT demands the willingness to constantly chase new technologies and master them. If you're going to recruit techies, you better kick off those tassel loafers or high heels and be ready to sprint!>

I believe this is the actual handbook for the corporate office for the center I work for... The Leather Fairy 

Updated Employee Handbook 2003

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes; therefore, you do not need a raise.  If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned.  As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.  You should not consider removing anything.  We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.  The vacation days are as follows: Jan.  1, & Dec.  25.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse.  However, we require at least two week's notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.  In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.  In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker.  Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.  In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.  After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.  Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.  Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a SlimFast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management