8.17.2003

Deep Dark Corporate Secrets They Don't Want You To Learn

1. Never walk without a document in your hands: People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.  People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the snack bar.  People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.  Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy: Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer: You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.  These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either.  When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.
3. Messy desk: Top management can get away with a clean desk.  For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough.  Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.  To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.  Pile them high and wide.  If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail: Never answer your phone if you have voice mail.  People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM.  That's no way to live.  Screen all your calls through voice mail.  If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed: Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late: Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving.  Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out.  Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g.  9:35 PM, 7:05 AM, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect: Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy: It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table.  Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary: Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.  Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.
10. Have 2 Jackets: If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat.  This gives the impression that you are still on the premises.  The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere.

<Now you know how the office geek maintains their upper hand.>

"Hiding Your Age May Hurt More than It Helps
So you say you've targeted your dream job but there's a problem.  You're either too young or too old for the job.  So what do you do?  You fudge your age on your resume to get the gig. Bad move.  Omitting graduation dates from your resume or eliminating jobs that you held more than 10 years ago can backfire.  Human resource executives can easily check such dates and, when they discover the truth, your resume is headed for the circular file.  Think of it from the hiring manager's point of view.  If you hide your true age, then what else are you hiding?  Better to be up front and get the job on merit."

<Note from JobFairy.com: This is the stupidest advice we have seen in years. NEVER EVER give someone a reason to screen you out. Revealing your age does just that. Besides, an HR Monkey is usually too busy to do in-depth checking until the manager wants to do the hire. Plus, if you have more than 10 year's worth of jobs on your resume, it will be too long for them to read; they'll lose interest and flip to the next one. Not what you want. A resume is an AD. NOT a full disclosure document.>

"Speed = Compromise

It may sound like a strange formula but, in the job-seeking world, it is one that often proves true. How quickly you get back to work is often dependent on how much you are willing to compromise on your employment requirements. If you have been out for a while, it may be time to re-examine the standards you set when you first began your job search. Are you willing to consider contract, as well as direct-hire, employment? Can you expand on the geographic areas you are willing to work in? How flexible are you on your salary requirements? Expanding the geographic area that you are willing to accept work in may also be difficult, but it is something that needs to be considered. Going from a 20-mile radius of your home to a 40 mile radius may make all the difference. Of course, if relocation is possible, that will enormously expand your opportunities. The fastest way to get back to work can be contracting. It can also provide you with additional experience, a temporary income, and will eliminate the dreaded "gaps" in your resume. It may also lead to a direct-hire position. It will also certainly increase your value to any future employers. A skilled individual willing to accept any kind of work, anywhere in the country, and for any money, would probably be working in a couple of days. No one, though, is, or should be, that flexible. However, if there are requirements that you can adjust, now may be the time to seriously consider doing so. Although the job market is improving, it is doing so very slowly. Those who plan on waiting until the market catches up with them may have a very long wait. However, marketing yourself competitively and effectively now will immediately catch the interest of potential employers and potentially get you back to work long before the job market turns around."

<Note from JobFairy.com: There is no such thing as a permanent job anymore. So take whatever you can get. But their advice on staying flexible is good.>

You Know You Work in Corporate America If:

• You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
• Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
• Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
• The company logo on your badge is drawn on a Post-It note.
• When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
• You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
• You learn about your layoff on CNN.
• Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
• Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
• You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
• Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
• You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
• It's dark when you drive to and from work.
• Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
• "Communication" is something your group is having problems with.
• You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
• Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
• Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
• Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
• Art involves a white board.
• You're already late on the assignment you just got.
• When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
• You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
• Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
• Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
• Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
• Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
• Change is the norm.
• Nepotism is encouraged.
• The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
• You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
• You read this entire list and understood it.