5.11.2003

Unintentionally Hilarious.

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XXXXXXXXXX -- Technical Support Spec I
Company: Qwest Information Technologies

HELP DESK AGENT

ROLE

This position is responsible for first level technical support for Network, Voice, Applications, Client Server, Operating Systems, Software and Hardware. Performs technical troubleshooting and problem identification, isolation and resolution. Escalation to Tier 2/3 organizations for resolution as necessary. Help Desk Agents receive incident reports primarily via telephone, with some cases reported via web or e-mail. <OK, so far, so good. Sounds normal, right? Well, it gets worse.>

SKILLS

• Communication skills; written, verbal and listening.
• Technical trouble-shooting skills.
• Experience in customer service via telephone and web.
• Knowledge of NT/Novell, MAC, Win 95/98, UNIX , Netscape, Lotus Notes, and/or similar types of systems or applications is required. <This is where it's getting worse. Novell? We're talking Netware 4.x. Windows 95??? 98??? In 1997, they started the project of the upgrade of all the PCs to Windows NT. Don't tell me there were some holdouts!!! 1997 is when they were supposed to have taken all the Macintoshes away too. Guess some stubborn ol' Bellheads must have hid 'em in a drawer or something. What they don't tell you about the Netscape is that the company standard is 4.7     :P      As for the Notes - they have entire websites built with Notes. They're as difficult to navigate as they are to build. And joy of joys, you'll be supporting 'em!>
• Technical research <You won't have time for that, but it sounds good, doesn't it?>
• Problem solving
• Decision making <You'll decide to do what you're told.>
• Ability to teach/coach non-technical individuals on technical subjects <This means vainly attempting to explain to some Senior Director, for the umpteenth time, that their PC doesn't HAVE a cup holder.>
• Ability to work in a team environment
• Commitment to learning
• Ability to multitask
• Ability to handle high call volumes <OK, they're finally being honest, what with 60K users>
• Enthusiasm </honesty>

EXPERIENCE

• 1- 2 years previous Help Desk experience. <If you already had that much Helpless Desk experience, you'd now be someone's desktop technician. It only takes about a year (or LESS) to learn enough on the help desk to get off of it, forever. Why anyone would ever have more than one help desk job on her resume is beyond me.>
• 1 - 2 years experience with information technologies, information systems, networks, and/or desktop support. <Ooooo-kaaaay. What, are they high? If I'd been a desktop tech before, why the heck would I EVER go back to Helpless Desk? Two years' networking experience makes me someone's network sys admin at 55K/year, knowwhatimean?>

EDUCATION

• High School diploma and, at a minimum, demonstrable plans to complete college (or equivalent) studies <Why do peons like help desk people eventually need to attend college for Qwest's sake? They won't BE there within a year, once they get their experience... Does this really matter?>
• Education or certification in information systems or information technologies <If I'd already had such education, I wouldn't have had to apply for a helpless desk job.>

QUALIFICATIONS

• Must complete 4 pre-selected Brainbench tests. Development plans will be built off of Brainbench test results. <So it doesn't matter if you actually can do the work or not. You just have to test well. And they wonder why there are so many "paper" MCSEs... Hint: Everyone in IT must pass an XML test. Whether they will actually ever work with XML or not. Go Figure, Part II.>
• Qwest is an equal opportunity employer. Any offer of employment is contingent upon the results of a pre-employment drug test and background check.
• Please note that this job posting will no longer be available for submissions after Mon May 12 00:00:00 CDT 2003. <And I pity the poor sods who apply... and get hired.>